Saturday, May 29, 2010

Do cry over spilled oil

So this oil spill is getting out of hand. Have you seen the photos? It looks like somebody took a giant shit out there, ...and then covered the shit in oil. And then took another shit. The worst part about the whole situation is that it seems impossible to stop. BP keeps pumping out potential solutions and they all fail. Why are we trusting these guys to come up with the innovative breakthrough to save those waters. These assholes couldn't even handle their own rig!

Unfortunately, BP's most recent brilliant idea to resolve the issue was declared a failure this morning, despite the pure genius of the tactic: trying to clog the hole with mud. Fuckin' mud?! What do they got, a team of 8 year olds working behind the scenes for solutions? Apparently they pumped 1.2 MILLION gallons of mud into the hole, but most of it escaped into the water. No Shit.

Another sad part about all this is that many Americans don't have a clue about how this is effecting the United States. I heard a man earlier this week say "Well, fuck it. If it's in the Gulf of Mexico let the Mexicans deal with it. Hey, maybe now they wont be swimmin' cross those waters over to the U.S. all the time!"....So retarded, I don't even know where to begin ..."They took ERR joooobs!"-is what I was expecting him to end with.

On a positive note, the staff here at WTFeraz has a potential solution to this fiasco. It was reported a few days ago that using hair in a sponge-like manner has been very effective for cleaning the waters. There have been numerous clips of clean-up crews scooping up massive amounts of oil drenched hair, moving from area to area and slowly cleaning parts of the Gulf. We need to take this to the next level. It's simple: What animals have hair on them and the ability to swim through water AND the potential to be seduced by monetary incentives? Human beings! And, What human beings are so hairy that even one of them has the hair-equivalency of seven average men... Middle-Easterners!
Step 1:We need to find numerous amounts of Arabs, Pakistanis, and descendants of Robbin Williams.
Step 2: Find out what it will take to get them in the water. Maybe some of them will volunteer out of the kindness of their hearts, maybe some will need to be bribed with lifetime supplies of Trader Joe's Mediterranean Hummus, I don't know...but we need to find out.
Step 3: Send 'em swimming. Pick them out of the waters. Drain the oil out of their myriad bodily hairs, and store it for future sales.

Middle-easterners, the people that share the origins of the very oil which taints our waters can be the heroes of this tale. Destiny or coincidence. Genius or poetic. You be the judge.


  1. You forget that BP even resorted to using GOLF BALLS in the "top kill" to help plug the hole.

    If there's one thing that sinks quicker than an oil rig, it's a bad shot on the green into a lake.

  2. So we need to stop waiting for Aqua Man to solve this; we need Thor cuz he has more hair?