Saturday, August 28, 2010

It's Just Natural...

Many people are dumb animals. They think little, and make a lot of noise. They want things done their way, and think anybody doing the opposite must be crazy.

I remember an old argument with a girl I dated. She declared men were the only dumb animals as far as humans go. This coming from the chick that insisted on wearing heels everywhere because she'd rather have cute feet than comfort, but ended up taking em off every night to walk the streets barefoot like a god damn cave man; She once stepped in a pile of bum shit... and brought the heels back out the next night for round 2. Clearly, she was a moron. But, I'm not trying to start a battle of the sexes here. I just think we can all agree, that many people, men or women, do a lot of abnormal shit. What I can't stand though, is when girls me or my buddies date try to chastise us for not following the "natural order" of things if we don't want to spend a month wining and dining 'em just to earn a pass to their fortress of solitude (vagina). (probably didn't need that last parenthesis, but i hate ambiguity)


I once dated a girl that refused to move forward physically until I proved myself emotionally. For some reason, my emotions rested solely on my debit card. So about 2 weeks in I confronted her and asked when she's gonna start spending the night. She felt that I needed to take her on at least 4 more dates. Why 4... like there was some specific equation in her loony head that calculated the conversion of emotional commitment to vajey-jey? So we got into a scuffle, firing back and forth with are best bullets. Finally, she was like "Look, you have to put in some time because it's just the way things are, it's normal...It's JUST NATURAL!" This blew my mind. How is this natural? Human men are the only species that have to go through this BS just to bust a nut! What other animal on the planet has to wine and dine their girl, take 'em to a few shows, and get to know their shitty cat before putting it in? It's the exact opposite of natural. Peacocks do a little dance, show how big and awesome their feathery shit is and get some ass. I should be able to just teach a girl how to Thizz dance, whip out my balls and get to tea bagging. That would be more natural than a month of dating. At the end of the day we're animals, and animals should follow the real, natural patterns intended for them.

Another good example of normal/natural order comes from monkeys, our closest relatives. If monkeys saw what we go through just for a quick tip dip, they'd go bananas.(zing!) Monkeys have a very normalized, systematic approach to the whole game. A baboon whips out his erection, the female sees it and her hoohoo swells up to the size of a football while glowing bright pink like a fuckin' bullseye. The male jumps on and everybody's happy. Simple, native, beautiful. So if ladies really want men to do what's normal and natural... trust me, we're game.


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  2. what about sea horses? the males get pregnant...