Las Invasiones de Body Snatchers

Strange things seem to be happening all over the world, American missionaries are engaging in suspect activities; activities that, to the untrained eye, might lead you to think these noble religious steeds are losing their marbles. BUT, bear with me...for I will paint you a picture so compelling, you will have no choice but to realize that these American missionaries are not to blame.

So you're probably thinking, "I don't know wtf you're talking about, enlighten me." So I will. Laura Silsby and 9 other American missionaries were arrested last week for kidnapping charges in Haiti. Apparently, they thought it would be an awesome idea to load 33 kids into trucks and take them on over to the Dominican Republic to put them in orphanages. However, Silsby was already warned by the authorities that if she tried to do this, she would be arrested and face kidnapping, and possibly human-trafficking charges. But she decided to exercize her thug-nastyness and be like "F*** da police." NOw she's in Haitian prison, probably wondering, like the rest of us, why the hell she tried to smuggle Haitian kids across the border illegally. I thought we moved past this white-man's burden shit! They could have had uncles, aunts or even living parents somewhere, but she just decides "hey,...this one looks alone and needy, lets take him!" Hopefully, she had good intentions, and just made a dumb mistake; and if that's the case i think she should just learn to help the millions of kids with flies on their face on TV for 30 cents a day, rather than get caught up in this mess. Nonetheless, this woman and her posse, are considered kidnappers and pseudo child-traffickers. When asked about his missionaries awkward actions, God proclaimed "I'm fuckin pissed, this is such bad PR for me."

3 days ago another American Missionary, Robert Park, was released from a North Korean prison where he stayed for a month after attempting to illegally cross the border from South Korea. This is so un-american! We don't get arrested for crossing borders illegally! We form militias to hunt down and kill people that try that shit! This form of questioning will lead you to the true culprits.

If there's one thing I've learned from potential presidential candidate Lou Dobbs, it's that there's one entity you can blame for all of life's problem: The Mexicans! C'mon, human-trafficking....illegal border crossing this has Mexican written all over it. So, in accordance with Dobbsian thinking, I declare that Mexicans infiltrated our borders, took our jobs, and then for the final step,....mastered sorcery to capture American souls, the final choice in light of tough Green-Card policies. The Mexican's used these newly acquired American soul citizenship's to truly be American and do what we do best: Travel around the world, and exercise a false sense of entitlement to obtain whatever's desired. Clever, very clever. And they ALmost got away with it... dios mios.